Hello and welcome to my blog! I’m so glad you’re here! My name is Jacky and I’m a runner, a musician, and an educator who has a deep desire to motivate. I’m starting this blog to share stories of triumph and defeat through the lens of a music educator learning to be a runner. I hope that through my blog you will find tidbits of wisdom you can take with you on your own journey, whatever it may be.
2019: Is. This. It? I was 33. I owned a house where I lived with my beautiful wife and daughter. I had a job I was passionate about that was able to offer me security until retirement. A part of me felt amazed and proud to have achieved all the milestones of a “fulfilled life”, but there was another part of me that was longing for more. Was I just going to go through the daily grind on cruise control? Was I going to coast until the end?
So it began: the internal dialogue of who I was and who I hoped to be started duking it out. Punches were thrown, insults were tossed around, and after a few weeks, there still wasn't a clear winner. Some call this personal development or personal growth. Being an introvert, introspection is my jam. My world is very colourful in my head, but my outer facade is very calm, almost stagnant. I can get lost in a deep sea of thought with no real destination, but the thoughts are always centred around one thing: improvement. Because of this, the me who was longing for more came out on top.
Shortly after this way of thinking began, the universe was kind enough to leave me a trail of crumbs through Facebook feeds and Instagram posts on fitness. Whether this was the universe or the algorithm that lives in social media, I thank it. I came across a social media post of a friend finishing a race. My knee-jerk reaction was to scoff and say “Anyone can do that! After all, it’s just putting one foot in front of the other … right?” That hesitation felt like a dare from my longing self and I found myself starting down a rabbit hole of running research.
I never liked running. Despite the part of me that thought it was something anyone could do, I still had a firm belief that I couldn’t run. Maybe it was that same internal conflicting dialogue back at it again. In addition to never having liked running, it also seemed like I had the perfect excuse not to with Osgoode Schlatter syndrome in my left knee. However, the more I thought about it, the more that belief that I couldn’t run became precisely the reason I wanted to give it a shot. I wanted to set a goal which seemed impossible because the thrill of overcoming it would be my greatest proof to myself that I’M POSSIBLE. At this point of my life, I’d grown arrogant about not needing to try or learn new things. Especially since I’d checked all the boxes of my version of adulting. I’d also become unaware that I was, perhaps purposefully, ignoring all the signs of my capacity for growth, telling myself I should be happy with what I already had.
For two weeks I intensely researched everything I could about running: technique, nutrition, stretches, heart rates, you name it! I made sure that I was tackling something within my understanding. I then declared to my family that I was going to take on a half marathon in October 2020 and my training would begin in January 2020!
2020: This was an unforgettable year for most people. It was full stop from March onwards due to COVID. It brought people together as much as it tore them apart and life as we knew it would never be the same. The defining moment for me however, was actually in Jan 2020 before COVID was even a thing. It was when I joined the gym at our community centre, which had a 150 metre track, with the intention of running twice a week. I would put my parka on over my Joe Fresh shorts and shirt, get into my winter boots and other winter accessories, and head over to the community centre for 6:00am. All this for a run that would last no longer than 10 minutes, simply because at that point I could not take another step. But as the months passed, I started hitting distance milestones like 3K, 5K, 8K, and finally 10K.
Running had become a medium of deeper healing and learning about myself.
Despite all these successes, it was now June and I still hadn’t officially signed up for my race. I kept procrastinating – I couldn’t bring myself to sign up for something that I hadn’t done before, something I wasn’t sure I would be able to do. It was scary as hell! The hype, the anticipation, and all the work that I’d put in made it clear to me: I can’t do failure. It wasn’t about what other people might think; it was about what I would think, what I would say to myself if I had signed up for something that I couldn’t complete. I was so afraid that I was confirming my own bias that, for whatever reason, I was not enough. It was at that point I realized running had become a medium of deeper healing and learning about myself. My negative core beliefs of myself pushed me to become a perfectionist in my life. It served me really well in my career, but the cost of perfectionism is a perpetuated belief that I can’t be good enough to fail.
With that realization, I finally signed up for the October half-marathon. Not only that, I doubled down and signed up for a full marathon, two half marathons, a 10K, and a 5K, all taking place in the span of one month. This is the definition of “go big or go home”, but I also now understand it was a self-preservation mechanism … I wanted to set the bar so high that not being able to achieve it would be okay, and if I ploughed through anyways and achieved that goal, I would somehow be good enough for myself, which I learned isn’t true. Damnit, running! Why do you always force me to learn things about myself that I want to ignore!?
2022: Regardless of my inner struggles as I took up this new sport, I did successfully complete all the races and many more, a feat I would have never thought was possible. I lost around 50 pounds and got in pretty decent shape in the process, but I gained something more precious than my physical health: a renewed sense and awareness of myself and the root causes of my daily actions and behaviour.
I realized more than ever that my daily actions and choices contribute to a future that I inevitably create. This reminds me of a quote by psychiatrist Viktor Frankl. He said “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.”
Running has brought me a heightened awareness and allowed me to use this space between stimulus and response to act in a way that promotes self-growth. The me in 2019 would’ve squandered that space and reacted to daily stimulus without realizing that my patterns of behaviour were keeping me in the same spot in my life, mentally and physically.
As an educator, I have always loved and still do love motivating people to become the best versions of themselves. The two values I carry with me always are leadership and making a difference. These ideas may not be new, but I know they are ideas that people often need to be reminded of, myself included. Much like running, I never thought I’d be able to write well enough to pursue something like this blog! (This sounds like the 2019 version of myself who wrote myself off when it came to running.) So here I sit writing, slowly and consistently, trying to be a leader and make a difference through the telling of my journey to becoming a runner.
Through this blog, I want to share how becoming a runner has rewired my thinking in many ways, and I want to plant a little seed in you as the reader, to rethink and reimagine life as you know it and as you may have accepted it. I will be digging into topics like leadership, social and emotional health, music education and, of course, running! I can’t wait to share everything I’ve learned over the last few years and all the things I will continue to learn as I charge full speed ahead into my new identity. Thank you for being here!
Gotta run!
Jacky! Congrats on yet another new venture....and if your past feats are any indication of how great your blog will be...it will be stellar for sure! Amazing piece of writing....can't wait to read more:)